“If you just tried and took me by the hand, we would’ve been happy in love.”

August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 May 2011


Once upon a time, there was she; she who would never let anyone frown, she whose smile never faded, she who was carefree, she who was happy.

But she would be lying if she told herself that she was truly happy, that she did not regret a single thing she ever did in her life. It was a huge mistake, a huge degradation but she couldn't really help herself. She was too young, too naive. Too trusting of people who she knew will eventually hurt her in the end but that's what she was made to be. The girl who makes too much drama in her life that it's already disgusting; the girl who uses lies as her shield from the world who threatens to hurt her in every way imaginable. A girl who continues to make her own magical world with sunshines and rainbows, and expecting it with all her heart that it will suddenly turn real. She wouldn’t even try to care if her little world fell apart because she’d just build another happier and more colorful one. But she’s just a girl who doesn't know what is wrong and right; a girl who can see the grays of this world but chooses to delusion herself by only seeing the blacks and whites just so she wouldn’t be hurt. And she hates that. She hates who she has become. And to make matters even more horrible, she still is that kind of person, continually growing worse each day.

“She cannot bail out. She cannot lose hope. She cannot breakdown. She cannot be hurt. She cannot be pushed around. She cannot be hated. She cannot cry. She cannot shout. She cannot be in need of help."

She and everyone else used to say. Almost like a chant, a mantra that they hoped would help her; an endless cycle of lies. She realized that those are evidently petty 'cannot's...just easily replaced with persistent 'will's.

But someday, she hopes and pleads that she’ll prove to them that she can still change and show what's real; that behind her horrible but jolly facade, there is someone, someone who just wants to see the light; someone who wants everything to finally be okay. Someone who’s willing to change; someone who would fail but still persevere to do everything right.

Because, she was a person…tired of all the moving, the constant new environments and the friends she'll never really know for years; who's sick of smiling even if she doesn't want to. She who would do anything to be happy for long and not be taken later, someone who doesn't want to be broken and hurt by her loved ones over and over again. She who was ready to work hard to feel that calmness and assurance that everything will be fine. But she is that someone, someone who just wants to be understood and heard by all.

But you know what?

That girl is me.